By Sally Lanham

The airwaves are full of commentators opining on legal concepts so it is not surprising that many clients come to see me with pre-conceived notions about how the legal system works.

One of my favorite urban legal myths would be: When my child turns 14 she can decide where to live.

I hear this from both the primary and secondary residential parents. I have even had a call from a 14-year-old who was sure this was her year to decide! Fortunately or unfortunately, this simply is not the law in the State of Washington. The parents are the first decision makers, with the court acting as the final decision-maker if need be. Never is the child in that role.

Courts and the legislature in Washington have reasoned that it is never good to put a child in the position to make a residential choice. Children love (or hate) both parents equally. Children want to make both parents happy. When they are asked where they want to live, they often determine what the asking parent wants to hear and respond accordingly.

The judicial officials in this state generally do not speak with the children. If a case is convoluted and difficult enough, a Guardian Ad Litem or Parenting Evaluator will be appointed. The professional's job is to speak with the child and present a recommendation to the court as to the best place for the child to live.

Courts do take into consideration the wishes of an older child, and they likewise understand that minor children are not always the best decision-makers. Society limits children in their ability to decide many things until they are 18 -- like military service, marriage or purchasing a car. This is just one more example.

A child living in an intact home would not be consulted as to where they would like to live after age 14. They generally are not allowed to announce they would like to move next door.

As children grow-up and family life evolves, parents can agree on a change and in most cases the courts will honor that decision. If a change involves an alteration to a Parenting Plan, it is always advisable to formalize the agreement and file it with the court. (This is especially important if there is a change in child support.) Courts are always much more likely to uphold a change if the parties have filed the agreement.